I looked at him all bewildered and he said, "what? I figured if it was under 30 seconds it'd be free."
She started crying while we were cooking shrimp because 'Under the Sea" came on Pandora
To put it in a frame of reference with which you're familiar, it was like making out with a golden retriever.
My brother just woke up to see me on te couch dipping hamburger buns into pizza sauce. I'm beginning to question the life choices that led to this moment.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm having one of my monday morning walk of shame coffees if you care to join.
Nothing like an alcohol-fueled, 6-hour-long hunt for weed--complete with occasional breaks for sex.
Nothing says "lifelong friendship" like FaceTiming in a sex shop.
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
If this nail lady pinches my achilles one more time im kicking her directly in her bedazzled boobs
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I swear to god, my hangover cure is a green tea and a 15 minute twerkout. works every time
Eric was just sitting there open-mouthed swallowing sake from that squirt bottle for so long the lady across from us leaned over to her kid and told him not to end up like "the big alcoholic one"
Remember when I got punched in the face on NYE last year? I don't
I want to wait until after I get laid before I ask him his political affiliation. Just in case. I'm so desperate I would bang a Republican
Ah you cut my boxers off with scissors, we're way past introductions
It really hurts to walk. Any idea what happened to my hip?
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