I hate seeing commercials about babies when i'm high
Yeah, I don't like babies at all
10 dollar pizza all the toppings you want. Wait Until You See This Pizza
Their bromance is so intense that they don't even eye-fuck when they see each other....they eye-make-love.
Put cigar in mouth backwards. Plz remind to check for scar in morning, can't feel it now. Screwdrivers are like morphine.
Odd question. Did you find a 20 in your boxers? I need it for gas.
Oh god the guy I took underwear from at the bar is trying to add me as a friend on facebook now.
The bruises are from paintball. The money is from me being awesome
Just had a memory of you pretending to be a begging dog putting your head on my lap while I fed you. Great night to try a new drug.
Please stop using me as a reference for bail bondsmen.
I just took the soggiest of beer shits and all i have to eat is shredded cheese and more beer. I need an adult.
"I wonder if vinegar is some sort of magical hangover cure" "...no I was definitely still drunk and drinking vinegar because I was thirsty"
We broke up. And I told him he better give me my fucking star wars movies tomorrow. Priorities.
When my beach tent arrives , I strongly suggest quitting our jobs and becoming homeless beach drunks
Hey! Happy Birthday! Could you do me a favor and bring my underwear to the bar?
If your talking about a poncho I WANT ONE
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