you left your dildo in my car
rules of finders keepers apply
A guy just walked down the street dressed as Mickey Mouse holding a 40oz. Where the hell did you leave me?
So some sort of safe sex group just flash mobbed the bar by putting condoms over people's beers.
They left screaming as a hale of lubbed up condoms rained into their hair.
Whatever. I'll just fuck him now and deal with the clingyness later.
I may have farted on a group of children. It may not have been an accident.
I've got beer and a bag of saltwater taffy and croutons, is that enough for this typhoon thing?
Two options. One, you listen while I freak out. Two, we have mediocre to awesome car sex and don't talk. Either way, I'll be there by 7
Our host-mom was rubbing her back sympathetically going "muy bien, chica" while she puked on the beach. So yeah, I think we got the best one.
Also, don't forget your plan to die young at a shrooms-fueled orgy.
I remember telling you that I think Taylor Swift has stolen my essence. I still think that's true.
There needs to be a greeting card for "I miss having sex and smoking weed with you."
Oh my god I need an adult
Wait shit I am an adult
I managed to break 3 nails and loose my stockings, but I made 87 dollars at the strip club. I asked where I could find an application on the way out.
i just called dibs on the taxi driver at the bar that isnt drinking. im a grown up
Im experiencing the awkward moment after realizing two of my straight female friends have had sex with each other
Randomize
