He uses pillows to masturbate.
My BOSS just pulled out a box of Christmas stuff labeled reefs.
Best. Four. Twenty. Ever.
Ordered my mom Mother's Day flowers online and moved on to internet porn. Do you think this is some sort of Freudian slip?
Just so you're aware, tomorrow is "Slow Clap when you see Mike" day.
You fell on your face and the waitress just brought you a fresh drink
and you will have a crown and it will be made of penises and all will bow before you and your glorious penis crown
How much do you charge for your Funyun and beer delivery service?
He kicked in the door just as I climbed on top of him...and stood there. I felt like I was in a porn. It was invigorating.
When you were bringing him upstairs I told him to bring you on down to pound town. you're welcome.
Final Summary: could he eat a lit sparkler? Probably. Could he do it while peeing off the roof? I'll tell you when you get to the ER.
I did get to watch you pee, tho. That counts as another precious moment.
I went out to dinner with the girls thinking I'd be home early. Instead I ended up in the Englishman's hotel room. Long Live The Queen.
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
it’s my vagina i can do what i want to
Randomize
