My parking ticket this morning was 30bucks. I feel like I'm paying the city to fuck you.
Her sex list was a LOT longer than mine. She tried to justify it by saying '4 of those don't count because they were in the gang bang'.
running late. just ran over a dude on a bike
Is it appropriate to get drunk, stand up at the wedding and make a toast to "the time the lovely bride asked me to come on her chest"?
our generation is not ready to get married
I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
Sunday was the 8 month anniversary when you shot me in the face...just an FYI.
he said that weed should be legal but that particular bong shouldn't be. i stared at a clock for an hour and a half after i ripped. so logically, i completely agree.
I just found your spare underwear and the half eaten granola bar you left in my purse.
There is a limo involved. Man up, and make yourself puke. Its only one more night of blacking out.
Congrats. You are not detrimental enough to my psyche to be discussed during this mornings therapy appointment. Please follow up next week to see if you made the cut.
You called a girl at 4:30am to tell her "your pussy is my top priority" while simultaneously Urban Spooning late night cafes.
I wouldn't be too worried. He's been known to chase a chubby before.
THAT IS NOT HOW YOU TALK TO YOUR SISTER
Dude, she set my Tinder preference to men, set the radius to 100 miles, and used up all of my right swipes. I think she's mad.
Yeah I blacked out in a wiener costume.... I think I'm ready to come home now.
I'm very disappointed that your kitten almost ate my weed cake...
Randomize
