i decided i am going on the Justin Bobby plan for success. Don't cut my hair for a year, don't shave for a month, land Audrina Patridge. Game on.
it took me 2 minutes to realize that it wasn't HER hand on my penis. First, and worst threesome ever..
It was a new level of awkwardness and terror. The high schoolers you fuck in the summer should never introduce themselves to your mom and godmother
I was scoping hash out of our weed jar with a spoon and I realized we need to buy actual utensils. This plastic shit is killing me I've broke 3 spoons
on the way to the hospital you kept asking if we could stop at the bar first. then you proceeded to puke out the window
I just handed the barista at Starbucks a panty liner instead of my card....maybe I should upgrade this Tall to a Venti...
holy fuck that shirt looks so good on him, it was like he was born with it on. that shirt deserves a blow
I like how my motivation to lose weight is so I can wear a nude bikini and get covered in body paint for the tribal party. Priorities.
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
So we became Pizza Strippers- we stripped and asked for slices of pizza in return.
Ah well. Drinking wouldn't be drinking without mystery bruises
Agreed.
you missed 2am bagpipes and my roommate looking hot as fuck in a kilt
After we had sex he began to tell me the craziest places he's had sex. He told me KFC bathroom so I rolled over and went to sleep.
can we not compare my dick to a children’s folk tale
Just found out that the guy I lost my virginity to voted for Gary Johnson. It's almost more upsetting then him ending up being a massive asshole.
Randomize
