jacking off on stolen wireless... gotta enjoy the small things in life
turkey basters and jungle juice, is that really the whole shopping list for new year's?
walk of shame into the pharmacy with a busted up chin and laughing the lady at the counter rolled her eyes at me when I asked for the morning after pill.
Only you would get a date out of getting hit by a car
I just realized that there are baby oil soaked hand prints on the wall over my bed. Last night was a good night.
Found trail of ibuprofen on ground. I'm like the intervention version of e.t.
MASS TEXT: Lets start a new tradition. Black Friday log pic contest. I'm waiting.
Got head last night. Had the 3D glasses on the whole time.
Ramen still too hot to eat. Eating it anyway. Stoner girls feel no pain
Was he good-huge or like "what the fuck do i do with this"-huge
Han Solo would be ashamed of me.
You seem to be avoiding the poop question. How did you poop on your hand?
How does the curb feel today?
It's stronger than my elbow. But I found my lighter while I was down there.
I’m going to give his broken heart CPR with my vagina
before i went to bed i wrote myself a note that says 'i feel all swirly'
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