her nipple to breast ratio was just odd
Santa Clause just drove by me on a fire truck. Epic night begins.
I just woke up at my desk with "To Whommmmmmmmm" typed on a letter. I have no memory of waking up, getting dressed or driving in.
Why does he only make me orgasm when I'm about to break up with him?
Thanks for sticking it out with old horseface last night... I owe you one buddy.
guess who's bored in chemistry researching how to sneak weed through airport security in her vagina?
Like what kind of adult things? Whats more adult than drinking at 2pm on a monday?
Can you send me a picture of you not naked, my mom wants to see what you look like
I woke up with flowers, a tiara & pasta salad in my bed. Tequila makes me act like a fat Disney princess
Going to an AA meeting just so I can fuck him...That's dedication
Feel like I died but someone put me In a human microwave and I got back to life.
Damn, well, it could always be worse
For sure, I could be a prison bitch right now. Thursdays aren't half bad
Omg you can't vacuum salsa that's just ridiculous
Today's hangover is probably top 3 of all time. Just threw up in an envelope. I'm on the ferry and didn't want to get out to puke over the side because I thought I might fall in the river.
That dick was not the dick of a twenty year old
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