just tell him he has love handles, he'll die of insecurity
We couldn't find any ping pong balls, so we used a fishing bobber. Could we be more country?
i'm trying to figure out what goes best with beef ramen. a 2007 merlot or a 2008 pinot noir? i'm leaning toward the pinot noir.
Speaking of ejaculate, did you get the side of your car cleaned off?
Guess the answer to the last 2 texts right and you'll get a boob shot tonight. Guess wrong and it will be a picture of a used, boogery kleenex.
You know you're old when tea and a hot bath are more appealing than beer pong with lesbians.
he attacked my vagina with the force of a thousand suns
I told the DJ last night to play Third Eye Blind before 1:45 and just pointed at him as I walked away. He didn't do it and at 1:45 I just walked out pointing at him, without my friends
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
Because nothing screams stable like yelling at a guy in a bar because last time you hooked up he stole your underwear.
Hey, I'm renting a storage locker for the summer to keep all my bondage shit in so my parents don't see it. You wanna split on it for your all your weed shit?
We just left the shoe. An app card to Fridays. $25 to santoras and a note that said sorry we were drunk on the front doorstep of the strip club
Like I owe him sex. Hell fucking no. I owe myself sex. With a celebrity. Or a clean pornstar. Who knows.
I'm no doctor but I don't think balls are supposed to look like that.
Thank you for stopping me from getting a butt tattoo. That was a good call.
Randomize
