Im at strip club and am horny
how the FUCK am I supposed to macarena while doubble fisting?
Do you know how hard it is to conceal the fact that you puked all over the bed that someone is sleeping in?
you know you made it when your beer pong table is made from imported italian hardwood
she won't take no for an answer... no matter what language i said it in
so its official, girls can see a boner through my snuggie.
oh dont worry, my liver will give out way before i get skin cancer
My goal for tonight is to swipe my debit card through those weird rolls on the back of a big bald guy's head.
oh sorry. I thought "boat" was code for "penis"
i told her i loved her afterwards and she said "i know," kissed me, and got up to start making breakfast.
dude, she han solo'd you. keep her.
My little brother came home while I was sitting there icing my vagina with a bag of peas. Asshole looks at me, high fives Ryan, then leaves.
i feel like every weekend turns into a giant blur of i dont want to know...
He kept saying "Welcome to Indianapolis" over and over while we were having sex...because that's his hometown. I was scared and confused... I didn't know if I should have said thank you or what.
I fucked her on her ex's Yankee sheets while she was wearing an Ortiz jersey...of course she gets to meet my mother
Well the grass always *looks* greener on the other side but sometimes that’s bc there’s a sewage runoff...
Randomize
