I hate how you keep a running list of people who have seen me naked.
I'm going to kill the bastard that switches my hot hookups from the previous night with ugly chicks
So Easter dinner for me was at 4:40 this morning where i made Bagel Bites and had a glass of Chardonnay
I tried carrying you from the bathroom to your bed and you begged me to bring the toilet too
Never again. I promise. My old gay body can't handle that much adrenaline twice.
If i ever start ordering tequila again please tackle me to the ground and steal my wallet
ok. can u leave the new roommate a list of instructions for me? like what i need to be fed and when i need to be exercised?
Corn dogs constantly. And all.the time
I knew my sign language would come in handy. I just used sign to coordinate a coke deal.
you can't tell me it's over and send me pics of you and your cat?
Anxiously awaiting my period drinking Hershey's syrup from the bottle. Don't judge me
My dad just sent me a text reminding me to bring the family beer pong championship belt. Thanksgiving 2012 just got real
Whiskey dick has taught us to be smart with our time.
Come over. But instead of sex, will you rub anti itch cream all over my face?
Wine is the only reason I'm making it in the real world
You know you have an interesting job when you go to work and have to Google search "How to get poop out of a dryer".
Randomize
