why is it that no matter what your novelty license plate says it always screams "im a huge tool"?
Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
you woke up and yelled "the tv is moving" and fell on the floor and passed back out
Had a student tell me he misses the old Four Loko. He's in 7th grade. No one is allowed to claim I started drinking too young ever again.
He once got bit in the face by a dog and still got laid the same night. He owns Memorial Day Weekend
There is soup leaking out of my nose nothing in life has prepared me for this moment
thank god we only have to drink eggnog and rum once a year. It taste like shit.
You'd think the dry cleaners next door would be less judgmental for as much business as my theme parties bring them.
I feel like if tampons weren't meant to be microwaved, they'd have a warning on the box, so we should be okay...
He is really drunk but I just found $20 so it's like I am getting paid to babysit
She made sure everyone knew we were doing shots for her dead grandma.
Sounds like either a very good Friday night or a very bad Saturday morning.
He said he wanted to lick the breadcrumbs off my chest
Just had a small freak out because I couldn't get my bra unhooked and thought I was gonna be stuck in it forever.
If we both don't have awesome filthy sexual experiences to share in the morning...we are no longer best friends.
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