my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
mid puke you looked up at me and asked if it was your turn to sing
i mean, some people chug beer and some people chug hard liquor. some people have good ideas and some people have bad ideas. it's all about perspective.
It's 5:30am in Vegas and I'm eating McDondalds next to crying prostitutes.....low point.
I was just handed jelly beans by a guy in a penguin costume. Standby for confirmation on if they are actually drugs.
He kept humping my leg and whispering "dont worry, thats my phone not my penis"
I found a video of myself completely naked on my phone giving a drunk tutorial on how to shit properly while blindfolded. Did you record it?
Whatever. I hate you. My vagina hates you. I hope a bird shits on your head today.
Seriously bro? Indoor roman candle wars? I guess I'll never see that fucking security deposit again
She was yelling at the tater tots, "In five minutes, you're going in my mouth!"
Oh also we fucked while one of the old Rudolph movies was playing on tv so it was festive
Ok maybe second best. He dated a stripper. Can't compete with that level of hoeness
tell raye i said hi and sorry for bleeding on the limes
My sister and her gf showed up at my door with no pants on at 4 AM talking claiming its hot.
I broke my dick don't ask me how I need help putting in a catheter so I can piss.
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