Until that no good dick sucking whore stays away from my boyfriend I am gonna start blowing all of his friends...
Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
Thanks for not cleaning the drain like you were supposed to. I just vomited in the shower and I had to stand in it until I was done conditioning.
260 beers this month. I need a new hobby.
I'm sorry to inform you but your friends with benefits card has expired has the beginning of the year. If you wish to renew your card you must submit a picture of a fully erect penis. Please note that not all request for a FWB card is accepted.
There needs to be waaaay more alcohol in my apartment if I am going to survive being unemployed
I feel like my teeth are sweating.
fun fact of the day: the man setting up my checking account at my bank has thrown up on my front lawn.
Its really bad when you fall asleep at a stop light outside the hotel and you wake up to a small spanish limo driver knocking on your window to tell you it's a green light
at the end of the day, college isnt gonna be for everyone... and some of us are just going to have to learn how to breathe underwater while sucking cock.
Well I blew a guy I barely know in full view of a homeless camp. That's pretty tame for me.
I took a pregnancy test at Pancheros a bit ago.
She puked in the bed, peed in the closet, and woke up on a Rubbermaid in the closet under the stair case
I think I just saw my socks in the parking lot.. gonna keep walking
Let's be real, he was never going to be tall enough
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