sometimes you just have to masturbate at your friend's house.
i might have gotten away with it if "don't tase me bro!" wasn't the first thing i said when i rolled down my window.
That adds atleast one bjs worth of awkward sexual tension between us.
Eating hibachi. The chef is squirting sake into my mouth with a ketchup bottle. Happened twice, more to come.
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawnmower thinking of you
The last text I sent him was about nachos. Frankly, if he can't respond positively to that he can fuck off...
Nothing like a false "my-dad-found-my-weed" alarm on Christmas day.
Birthday are for suffering. TAke some tylenol pm and day-drink tomorrow
literally just tried sending to someone a video of me jerkin but my phone was connected to Apple TV and it literally just played on the tv in a full room and I'm actually about to shit myself
I say I hate my boss but I find myself jerking off to him more and more with each passing day
If we had a dog do you think we would be less hoe-y?
Nah
Tempted to tell the Titos promoters at this bar that they are doing the lords work.
we're so committed to being not committed
at least he now gets to tell people how he once threw a party so epic that the next day they had to clean some girl's body paint off the ceiling
I’m really regretting these suede pants.
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