tailgaiting my last final, a perfect sendoff.
i'm ready for this baby to gtfo so i can get coked out.
i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
This hurricane better not stop me from sitting on the stoop thurs & enjoying all the slutty costume walkofshamers
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
it is a dangerous dangerous place where morals and dignity go to die and all your fantasies about men become reality.
I'm curious as to what my outfit choices drunk me made for this weekend.
also, sleeping with your chipotle guy sounds like a good idea until you want chipotle on your day off and have to look somewhat presentable to acquire said chipotle.
Threw up in hyvee parking lot. Thanksgiving shopping complete.
He somehow always manages to get me naked within 5 minutes of being together. It's like fucking witchcraft.
It's times when I'm naked but also want to be platonically social that I miss you the most.
Damn victory sex feels great
Fuck it, i havent messed around in half a year. I have sexual tension with a fire hydrant.
Hey. Did I get punched in the face last night?
Yeah. I told you I would and you didn't believe me.
I kept yelling "BY ORDER OF THE PEAKY FUCKING BLINDERS" in a terrible brummie accent at everyone I saw wearing a flatcap.
Randomize
