If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
I hate ducks.
What?
they're sketch. like squirrels. squirrels are sketch as fuck.
Sam from lord of the rings is 10 yards away from me, i am creaming myself.
how many days can you live off of Vicodin and frosty?? im going on 4 days......
Kayla got stiches in her face. Rode in an ambulance shotgun. Tried to steal a baby, thought it was mine
You should know I just got pulled aside by TSA because they found a bottle of Bud Light in my backpack... Thanks for that...
Went home drunk last night and peed on my Christmas tree, my mothers going to fucking kill me
You are not allowed to borrow my car ever again. It smells like a hobo orgy happened in my backseat with a hint of onion. What did you do.
Did we almost burn down the bar last night? I guess flaming shots were a bad idea.
you start one little fire by the lake and the police want to talk to you all night...
I helped you wax your vagina and you won't even get me Corn Nuts you fucking bitch?
Okay so I've been talking to the mice again and they agree with me that you're a piece of shit.
My friends got engaged today and I learned the techniques of going upside down on a stripper pole. I'm not really sure who won...
Also my roomates are going to be gone till sunday. Make correct decision here
Quit calling your parents your roomates
He in a way got kinda cockblocked by Jesus
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