He broke up with me by playing Lynyrd Skynyrd "Free Bird".
I hate girls that dress up to come to planned parenthood. I just want to be like we are all in the same boat here, we know your slutty. Its OK.
He tried to say the picture wasn't him. Like I'd forget his curved boner.
we made out at a charity event. really i was helping the fight against aids...
Your couch is like an animal shelter for stray drunks.
I've officially done it all, fucked a girl wearing a twister board. ABC parties are amazing!
I like to get drunk just like anyone else but not to the point of sticking a rubber tube up my asshole
The Blue Grotto manager called. He asked me for your name and number. Apparently, on reviewing the videotape he noticed you consumed a whole pizza by yourself. He indicated that he has a tshirt for you and wants to put your picture on his eating wall of fame. Apparently, you are the first such person to complete this incredible feat of eating. Congratulations to you!! I am so proud.
We can Fuck in the shower to save time
And this is why I like you. You're so damn innovative.
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
I'm pretty sure my intestines are bleeding but I'm still going to Orlando to catch that orgasm.
I just found a To Do list on the table, written by me last night, that just says "1. Go downstairs. 2. Get Pickles. 3. Laptop"
I just fell in love with a beard, the guy it's attached to isn't great but I think I'm going to take one for the team
I woke up at 6 and was laying at the top of my stairs.
Don't mind me, I'm just walking 2 miles across campus with no jacket, covered in highlighter, and carrying a hair extension. Gotta love miami!
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