I'm drinking ghetto ass mojitos!
Wow. How can mojitos be ghetto?
Squirt + bacardi limon + limes = ghetto mojitos
i keep myself tagged when other girls look bad/ugly so i look better
Me liking this guy is the best diet ever. Do I want this cookie...or do I want to get laid.
Just saw him riding in a basket on the front of a bike trying to feed the other guy beer. He screamed 'PARTY BIKE BITCHES!' at me as they rode past.
I lied. He's hitting on a drag queen now. Should I rescue him or take pictures?
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
So much for doing Irish car bombs in my grandpa's memory.... Asshole.
Dude just texted me asking if I could drive 45 mins for a quickie dude use your hand
The fact that you think I have a life is so flattering to me.
Romantically speaking, I want to sit on his face.
Dude, you got arrested and then texted 911 to tell them you'd been kidnapped with a screenshot of your current location.
I saw seagulls fucking earlier today. What have you done with your life recently?
She's the good dick fairy. You buy her a beer and half an hour later the best lay in the place is asking to take you home.
I was christened with Fireball shots by some guy at the bar. I'm practically Jesus now.
Was cussing out our DD when one of the strippers takes him backstage. WTF
They call him magic hands is all I know.
Somethings are best left a mystery
Talk shit all you want but with my new knife sharpener I have a lethal razor sharp pizza cutter. Fuck with me Mario I dare you!
Randomize
