my roommates friend slept in my bed when i was out of town..she ran out screaming cause she saw my VCR
if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
The plants looked thirsty. Growing plants need mimosas too.
You know its bad when convincing your mother you were masturbating is the better alternative
Harry Potter. Singing. Sobering up. In that order.
I don't understand how she could dump me AFTER we had shower sex. I'm fucking great at shower sex
Already at the river; already getting fucked up. And yes that semicolon is legit because those are congruent statemests
I paid off a credit card today. And I was tested negative for HIV. AND I did laundry. Honestly, I'm most excited about the laundry.
I totally OverDed on K2 last night. I felt like I was made of lead and then I had a panic attack.
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
Of course, it's a law of friendship. "Thy friend Shalt always hold hatred for thine friend's swinish ex"
MY GOD WHY DIDN'T I TAKE PHOTOS OF HIS CREDIT CARDS WHILE HE WAS SLEEPING
Why is there a waffle in the knife drawer?
The real question is why are there knives in the waffle drawer.
I should've negotiated that before I sat on his face.
He calculated like a serious conversion in his head the other day and got a crazy number and I was like damn that’s hot please proceed to take your clothes off.
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