3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
It was kinda weird being the boss
Did you feel like Tony Danza?
Your excuse of not making us Mac and cheese was that you couldn't find 6 cups of water...
I'm cooking a can of baked beans on the baseboard heater. It is too early in the semester to be this poor.
I'm not surprised. You have the libido of an Italian soccer team.
I don't know whether to call the hospital or call the prison first.
My roommate is watching gummy bears "race" from a mega-marshmallow to his lava lamp.
Notice how both of our plans for hooking up with these guys involve getting them drunk?
Oh my God, we're like men but with great boobs.
How is it possible that I'm still a virgin and you've managed to have sex in a cheetah print onesie TWICE
I asked my mom if she could pick up something for me to drink since we ran out of orange juice and she goes "We have beer, champagne, and baileys. Drink one of those."
You can't Tinder AND have him bring you icecream in the same night. It messes with your vagina.
I think that all guys are assholes, some of them just have less assholeish qualities that we accept in our lives and that we can look past enough to deal. They have to be a pretty special asshole.
I have the WORST hangover. Pretty sure my liver fell out while taking a dump. THAT bad.
Can I just go to one establishment in which I haven't banged anyone ?
Who the fuck stole my fridge again
Randomize
