My 54 year old father just sent me a YouTube link on my school email titled "Walrus sucks his own dick" and then wrote in the email "I wish I were a walrus". What the fuck is wrong with my family?
You threw a bottle at the bartender and then stole his tip jar. However, you were quickly KO'd by the bartender. Solid right hook.
There was a dismembered bleeding penis in my dream last night. That's some serious Freudian shit.
I'm really good at handling things like foreskin and speech impediments.
I know and I love you for your valets putting your thong on your seat
This makes me miss penis. Not in a horny way... but in a sad, sentimental way.
Managed to get through family dinner without anyone knowing I was tripping balls. Christmas miracle. He exists.
Some guy just showed up at my door to return my bikini top. EXPLAIN NOW
Tell him to dress up like Shaggy and kidnap him then bring him to me. We can pretend. Imaagination.
My chin is breaking out a bit and feels all itchy and burny like I'm allergic to something. Are you using a new lotion on your balls?
I can't feel my tongue. And that means go. Green means go. And you know what Barney says. Green means go and woah means no. DRIIIIINKK
Red flag bro. Her only friends are barflys and a teen with a fake ID
Yeah I blacked out in a wiener costume.... I think I'm ready to come home now.
the girl who hid my weed when the cops came has a birthday coming up. i feel like i should get her something.
yes we're having sex but I'm texting you...so what does that tell you?
Randomize
