I got date raped at Sigma Chi last night!
Dude, you never made it to Chi last night. You fell into a tree and passed out.
I'll write directions out on a napkin and slip it to him. Then say P.S. The UTI is gone.... that's not creepy at all right?
You screamed 'pound me, you big thick stud.' I looked around for porn cameras.
Shut up. I did not.
I really wish I was making that up.
If I were a woman I'd fill my water bra with liquor so that I could sip on it throughout the day.
do you ever just like the smell of your farts?
Oh my god. I think I just sexted my mom...
What?!
Fwd: Ride me, you sleek sleek woman!!!
bitch please you did NOT just unlike my status..
Does the phrase 'traumatizing near-threesome' mean anything to you.
Nothing is more important than the last pool party of the season. Call in sick or gay or something.
What's the address?
Too drunk. Just google it.
IT'S YOUR HOUSE
She told me she gets scared easily and that I had to protect her. Then I made a condom joke that ended up making her cry... All bad dude
"I'm in the bathroom. Only place I can sit and relax without that girl trying to give me a lap dance."
I think someone cast a spell on the lazy stoner rich boy stereotype and it came to life and called me.
I just want to smoke this blunt and eat pizza rolls while watching The Price Is Right with you.
At the end of the night i was really thirsty and tied to a bedpost
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