I'm lost and stupid without you.
How's tricks little girl?
Trix are for kids, old man.
All i remember was he was wearing billibong pants... well actually my mom found that out for me.
Well I woke up with a note on me reading Dear Passed Out Girl, and ending with why I shouldn't drink so much. Damn Tequilla.
just caught a 10 year old kid staring at my dick next to me in the urinal. i just nodded to him and said yeah, mines bigger little dude. i gotta stop drinking in public....
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
I'm gonna drop in for a zip later man. It made me wanna eat my girls shampoo. Good shit
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
sidebar: i fucked your brother last night
She paid me 300 bucks to spank her and call her Baby Jane. Then we drank half a bottle of sippin whiskey. I'd call it a twelve out of ten.
If I die on my walk home, please come claim the body. There is $30 in my left shoe for you....for pizza
I woke up with masking tape on my nipples this morning........... WHY DO BAD THINGS HAPPEN TO GOOD PEOPLE
I went to Walmart last night to buy some CDs--which is a sentence I never thought I'd say in 2016.
The party bus is stocked with 5 hour energies and beer and someone handing out adderall. Best. Wedding. Ever.
You sent me a pic of you peeing in two separate directions
and like half a dozen dick pics
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