On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
"you've got the devil in yuh. the curse of Jesus is coming on your sex soon." That's what a homeless guy just told me.
its likemy ribs anf my hesrt aew cuddlingn
Im drunk with people I love less than you. fix it.
I am convinced that after two dates and a few adult sleepovers that he still doesn't know my name.
So the name of the kid from the sponsor a child comercial popped into my head while I was masturbating this morning. Needless to say I will now be now be donating out of guilt.
Dude I am allergic to the candy dicks from that sex shop in Vegas. Come take me to hospital right now.
He is currently in a meeting and I am sexting him in Italian
And he's using Google translate to reply. Who says cross country relationships can't be fun?
Turns out she left way earlier. So I'm stuck with this guy asking where he can score meth and if I'm really straight.
Okay. So I've done lines off a bible. But that's just for the sake of being cliché.
Well, she yelled at the stripper that she couldn't lick whipped cream off his nipples because she is lactose intolerant.
I'm sorry I tried to stab you. I just really wanted those mozerella sticks.
If the smell of things stopped me from putting things in my mouth. I wouldn't be popular with Grindr guys.
It is getting ridiculous, the elaborateness of the schemes I have to concoct so my suitemates don't know I'm pooping.
Well, let me first tell you that jack and cokes were ONE FUCKING DOLLAR.. It's like the club wanted me to make poor choices.
Randomize
