no more stoned jack in the box. this is the third night in a row.
I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
my Econ professor just passed around his phone for us to take a pic of ourselves so he could learn our names. I am currently looking him up on my sex offenders app.
if you really think there are plastic pots safe for the stove i fear for your future landlords.
These 25 Drunks Should’ve Gotten Cut Off A Long Time Ago
fuck. I just remembered I agreed to let you finger me last night for solely for "scientific purposes"
Why did I think it was so necessary to steal that rolling pin?
Haha, you kept saying the cop was going to give you a ride home b/c "that's his job, it's summer."
I swear she's a drunk klepto...by the end of the night she had stolen 3 bowling balls. HOW DO YOU STEAL 3 BOWLING BALLS?
My Bio teacher gave me extra marks for putting "deer with AK-47 seeking retribution" at the top of the food chain on my exam. 51% pass here i come!!
27 Freshmen Who Really Didn’t Know What They Were Getting In To
Im gonna wear a random assortment of things for Halloween, guy with the most creative answer gets laid
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
A guy in the dance floor is raising the roof with an axe in hand. I love Halloween.
Can vaginas get frostbite?
We should totally stay in at new years, have sex and try to time orgasm to the countdown
Sitting on the toilet ... Eatin pizza with one hand, petting my cat with the other. I love a sad drunken life