I thought he was joking about bailing you out until I saw the picture of you and the sheep in the morning paper. Were those my boots you had on it
It was her 21st and she had one drink and fell asleep. I hate 90lb girls.
The guy who took my order at mcdonalds asked for my number. I think we should start fucking fast food employees, they're easy and think we're goddesses.
we put a pacifier in your mouth because you kept drunkenly singing country music.
Whatever you gave me is making me lactate
Btw. Made out with a random kid at a frat. It's all good though. He invited us to his frat party tomorrow so yay! For having plans!
The fact that he just came out makes his Lent commitment to give up gay sex so much more meaningful now.
this dude just showed up to the party with a falcon
It sounded like he said "don't stop" but all I could hear were his balls.
They said you bought the guy a shot and was talking about being Greek and then all of the sudden just puked all in their pitcher of beer and got kicked out of the bar.
People like you and me aren't meant to go this long without having sex
I have tasted many bathrooms
Being severely attracted to someone you find is your cousin just made my list of top 10 worst feelings
I noticed it at one point and thought do I really wanna bang the guy with the phone holster .....of course I do
They made Game of Thrones Oreos. Kill me.
Randomize
