I just saw a man with a full beard and frosted tips
there is no god
I'm sitting at the bar eating dinner next to a nerd, a guy in a 10 gallon hat, and a policeman. I feel like I joined The Village People
A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
Today has been the most awkward masturbatory day of my life. Possibly even more awkward than when my mom found my vibrator on Mother's Day.
I'd be there a lot sooner if these damn stairs would stop moving.
I might've decided it was a good idea to try to steal all of the pool balls at the pub... I apologize in advance that we now need to become regulars somewhere (anywhere) else.
I found a bag of weed while packing. Now packing is like creating tiny universes inside of boxes.
Just pulled a muscle trying to take a naked pic. I think it's time to start working out again.
I found out my butt plug has a metal core at the airport security checkpoint...
I basically gave Miranda rights to the guy I hooked up with, jus so we were all clear what was happening
He woke me up holding a gallon of apple juice and a shot glass...
I wanna riverboat gamble on your vaginal waters. Just sayin
5 seconds ago I had no idea that a fart could travel so fastly thru the tanning bed. I taste it in the back of my neck.
you asked if you could borrow my vagina for the night
Officially hit an ultimate low today. I was so hung-over I threw up on the ground in front of the jousting display in the London tower. But on a positive note, Brits are very understanding when you vomit on their history.
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