I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
Passed out for 3 hrs til now to wake up naked on my bed covered with grass from drunk slip and slide I would call that success
I think I told some stripper my friend owned Groupon Last night
....I found a picture of what appears to be the underneath side of the barstool (taken from the floor) and to top that, 9 pictures of the ceiling. Also, did I mention there's a picture with us posing with a pregnant lady at the bar?! WELP
we are all four or five tequila-induced decisions away from shitting in a bucket, come get me please.
Ok I'm good with that cause I'm gonna disappear for 90 days
Are you goin to rehab again?
I was like a migrating bird last night. Navigating on pure instinct. Don't remember how... but I made it home.
You know you need to take better care of yourself when shaving reminds you of sheep shearing...
Just saw some dude tumble down the stairs of the bar while leaving...fist pump...and then sprint down the road
Look, all I'm looking for is a good time and someone whose chest I can bury my face in
I just don't know how to say "I want to have sex you with before you graduate" in a classy way
my boobs just made me lose a game of beer pong. the balls hit them, bounced off and into the cup. twice. ive never been so disappointed in them.
I was taking a nap and she comes in wo/ pants, gets up on the bed and mounts my face while watching Weeds on Netflix. I'm okay with it, but at least let me wake up first.
I WANNA... wait, will you kinkshame me?
Nah.
I WANNA KNOW WHAT HE SMELLS LIKE
I get so pissed when there is something that NEEDS to be made fun of and you're not here.
Randomize
