I walked in on my roommate finishing watching something on his computer. There was cum all over his screen. He awkwardly said hi and pulled up his pants.
so basically i'm the" little sister", he's the "big brother" and we just fucked
He was wearing a Knicks jersey I had to go home with him. it was a rough season.
Dude, she told me she wanted to bang my dad. I don't know which is worse, the fact that she wants to or the fact that she told me.
There's a skateboard on the patio and all the chips are gone. The note on the fridge says 'don't buy cheese'. Stop letting her go outside.
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
we somehow managed to fit a llama, a stripper pole and a hayride all into the same day.
I forgive you, at least you vote. I found out my fuck buddy isn't even registered. I won't fuck a non respectable citizen.
my math prof is telling us what to do in a gun fight. i dont want to live in oakland anymore.
i would compare it to sliding down a velcro-covered fireman's pole naked. no more bearded men for me.
I was just lying down, dumping goldfish into my mouth and they like all came out I thought I was going to choke and die and people would be like damn that's so sad, she died laying in bed stuffing her face and reading kanye wests twitter, damn.
You know getting black out drunk at a cats birthday party should have been my lowest point drinking wise but some how I feel like last night was some how worse
Not only did she fulfill a life long dream of mine of banging in a library, she bought me subway for lunch. I feel like I got the best gold star ever today.
WHY THE FUCK DID I HAVE TO FALL IN LOVE WITH A CONVICT
So this morning everyone commended me for puking over the porch. No one else made it that far...
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