we're getting ready to take strippers to breakfast. I love my life.
i cant believe u jumped in someones trunk just to get out of talking to me
its 9am. i just got home. spent 6 hours blowing him in a closet last night
he's from indiana, of course he's clueless about "g-spots"
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
It's the first day of summer. It's not a race it's a marathon. Pace yourself
I just tipped the cab driver with pistachio nuts. And he loved it.
Well at least it wasn't the first time I threw up out of a second story window
Im the macgyver of cooling down beers. The toilet tank was blocked so I couldn't use it.....
Next Halloween I want us to dress up as jockeys, get drunk, and ride a carousel all night until we throw up or declare a winner
I'm ready to get married, then we can lie around watching anime and eating pizza while he rubs baby oil on me
I will read books by day and do guys by night. A mental and physical enlightenment, if you will.
He texted "fuck you" before blocking me on all social media. Come to think of it, that's also the last thing my mother said to me. Could it be that I'm the problem?
Haha word. Sure I can do that. Help me find which bar has my pants and you'll get free tacos all week
Let the record show that I hate your ass.
Randomize
