i don't know what kind of porn he watches.. but that is NOT how you do it...
shes wearing a jean skirt, its frayed. i got this
When my kids ask how I lost my virginity Im going to have to tell them of a mythical thing called "Myspace" and how strangers could lure you into their "den of love" thanks to clever quotes and graphics
What about the words "You're my personal dildo" made him say "I love you"?
She left scratches down my back from her wedding ring. Her husband seems like a nice guy though, judging by the scratches it had to be at least a carat.
I don't want to smoke with her when she's on adderall. She carved her pumpkin for four hours & didn't say a word.
I'm pretty sure my moms getting nailed in the bathroom right now while I'm chaperoning. God damn it.
Okay I know I said I was going to quit drinking for a while but apparently pumpkin pie flavored vodka is a thing and I will not rest until I have some.
I woke up on the dog bed, bottle of alcohol still in hand and my thong was hanging off the family portrait.... Yikes
Thank god crabs can't live on your head. Thank god.
I'm smoking in a kimono on the couch. Bring me gin.
One of these days I would like to go out drinking and stick to plan of just getting drunk and not be sidetracked with other people's plans of doing drugs along the way. I didn't even want to not feel my teeth tonight but here we go just another Thursday night when you live I live
Idk if you own a vibrator or anything but it's not smart to leave it in dad's car for him to find :/
I did not get pleasing results from googling “Bob Ross goat”
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
Randomize
