We walked past a group of guys in front of a bar last night and they claimed, I quote: Wow, we'd actually have to work for that.
dude sorry about putting my finger in your butt last nite i was wasted and thought it was mine
I'm not inviting you over anymore if my cat keeps ending up in the freezer...
My balls had bee stings let's just leave it at that.
I just wanna go home eat some pizza rolls, get warm and jerk off, and it's only 845. This shit was supposed to make me see unicorns. Not cry
His penis makes me feel like a mystic dragon sliding down a turbo slide covered in white gumdrops and sour cashews
Same.
did you know gatorade and rum go really good together
Are you doing depressed science again
maybe
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
I'm to the point where I'm fantasizing about Iron Chefs going down on me.
Who the fuck gets injured on a merry-go-round? HOW IS IT POSSIBLE??
Don't date the locals. They're all tainted.
Mike Pence got the fuck boy eyes though
It began the way the best stories do—with some naïve jackasses in a place they had no business being at.
Yea I went out in footie pajamas and still got laid. Good night for u?
So I ended the trip with two cold sores, poison ivy on my leg and vagina, and no alcohol or weed. WORST. 4TH. OF. JULY. EVER.
Randomize
