So, I woke up to an empty bottle of scotch and a dead car. The last thing I remember are the strippers being mad at me. Awesome night.
Feels good to be wearing underwear again though...
my sister and i are watching a movie and pregaming together. and by pregaming i mean shes not drinking since she 14 and im drinking alone.
On a list of weird places to get a bj, how weird is in the basement of a pharmacy
Theres an amvulance here. It might be for me
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Wedding cake is always the best dance partner. In the corner. With a jack and coke. And while I'm crying. Listening to "Almost Paradise".
Any clothing i put on is too many clothes.
We met a guy named Raymond. You called him ramen all might and told him you would eat him up, "like sex, on a budget."
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
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I knew no one else would have gone along with it since it's morally wrong and probably illegal. You said, "Yes. And let's add fireworks."
Themes for tonight: men who look like bill Gates but sing smash mouth songs. Women who's names are also food. Haircuts that DO NOT cover bald spots.
I know it was a good night because I got a lecture from my roommates mom about stranger danger
Today is a shit your pants at work kinda day
Ah Christ I think I've reached the single life mentality 100%. I just inquired a photographer about a photo shoot with my dog.
If my vagina was a person it would have a bandage around its head and it's arm in a sling rn
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