i just broke my key off in the door of my house because the engine wasnt starting
there was already a condom in her . . and it was bigger than me
Just passed a strip club with a Marquis sign that said 'tis the squeezin'
She was so happy she found her sunglasses, that she blew me. Im now randomly hiding things of hers in hopes she'll find them and I'll get a repeat performance.
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
there was this guy running across campus barefoot in the pouring rain stepping in all the puddles. i want his life. and i want to be stripper.
He's drunk and putting on a tie for the jimmy john's delivery guy
bro, sorry for: trying to put you on fire yesterday, telling the bouncer that it was you that broke the bottles, and to have slept with your sister.
I'm sneaking you alcohol into a hospital. This either says love or "we have a problem"
I should have known our good time had gone to shit when his ankle bracelet started flashing.
Just put an ad on Craigslist for a fake groom... I'm sure only non creepy sane people will respond to it
You're not horrible. Thank you for my pandas.
I am in serious pain and you're making dick jokes. I hope you wind up with crotch rot.
One of my pillows is missing but it's cool because there is a beef stick.
Yeah, sometimes it takes a while to realize, wow you kind of suck and not in the fun way
Randomize
