I was just curling my hair topless and I just burned my nipple. Ouch.
Dude, I'm importing a boy from Oklahoma for my divorce party. It's like doctors without borders, but with dicks.
100% of annual heatstroke fatalities are preventable deaths! Don't let it happen to you! Also, you can catch crabs from almost anything! Be safe and have fun.
I found a bag of weed while packing. Now packing is like creating tiny universes inside of boxes.
I know it sucks but it's just something that needs to be done though. Like shaving ur pubes or going to the dentist.
Of course I will... FYI I just gave my balls a crew cut.
My tuesday consisted of speaking to a federal agent for two hours and watching a roving band of gypsies jump over a fire until 2:30am
this night may include but is not limited to : police encounters, wild animals, stomach pumping, and waking up in a field
i definitely signed you up to receive text message notifications from a jukebox last night. Not even sorry.
You had me at "let me see your balls"
There are no winners in a lube eating competition.
Like the fear of satan was put into my heart when I saw him put that sandwich on the WOODEN BENCH
He asked me if I want to play Uber Driver, is this some new sex game or is he drunk and asking for a ride home?
Definitely ended up doing Coke with Chewbacca in the porta potty behind the haunted house.
I still can't believe a guy pooped in my backyard
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