Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
half the nation just spent an hour watching a balloon fly around. we are officially the dumbest fucking country.
I just gave the bartender my number in roman numerals. If she figures it out, she's worth a shot
At what number of girls whose last names are stored in your phone book as drinking establishments does it become excessive?
The coffee from our coffee maker just hasn't tasted normal since we made Mac n cheese in it that one time....
I asked her to make me water, which in turn meant get me a glass. She handed me a cup of microwaved ice cubes.
You insisted on going outside so you could "breathe real air".
Good god you suck at this wake up call. Seriously. If I can, after consuming enough vodka to subdue a russian soldier, muster up enough motivation to call you in the morning and send you naked pictures the least you could do is pick up.
I had a meltdown and you quoted Puddle of Mudd to me
I never thought my selfie stick would come in handy for nudes.
I offered the opportunity to grope my boobs for pints. Two girls took me up.
if i hadn't ended our catfight by hugging you one of us might be dead right now
Everytime after he came, he'd laugh uncontrolably for ten mintutes. He was sober..
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
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