honestly, who buys weed with an unemployment check?
you.
oh yeah. preciate
If I ever start a band I'm gonna name it "Nancy Reagan's Vagina"
Whatever. I'll let someone else deal with his flacid penis.
He wanted to put Kesha on after he came in my mouth. I had to draw some sort of trashy, gay line.
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
besides i was ending his dry spell. it's written in the bible that jesus likes that right?
I realized after pounding back 151 and head banging into each other to "the drop" of that dub step song, that we weren't meant to have boyfriends at this point in time.
My dad found me naked curled up under a towel on the couch with a fucking tub of butter and a spoon. Ambien Mondays are dead
YOU BETTER NOT BE SHAVING YOUR LEGS RIGHT NOW IM TRYING TO HELP YOU
Jimmy johns delivers to the bar behind work. Happy vodka day!
He broke into my house because he missed me. Then ends the relationship because I'm the needy one. Ironic much?
I knew my sister shouldn't have gone to the bacherlotte party. Two of the other brides maids have black eyes and my fiancé called me and asked if this is the crazy she's marrying
There were firefighters and a fire truck up the street. I asked what was wrong and their exact words were "Just a tiny explosion; it'll be all right"
I'll be wearing lingerie and holding a bottle of bourbon so pick up whatever food you think goes with that
I just woke up and my ass is covered in honey and my eye brows are shaved off.
Randomize
