If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
he conducted the entire waffle house into singing the song Oklahoma. He was wasted.
from now on when you get up to pee in the middle of the night, check to see if im sleeping in your parking lot.
i do.
Fuck you. You would only tell me how to get to your house in Spanish.
she tends to only attract lesbians and homeless men
If he's dead I'm so gonna get the blame. I have his passport, keys and his tooth in my purse.
i draw the line when you ask for directions at a place you're already at.
She kept pulling joints out of her bra and asking strangers for birthday hugs.
I have discovered my latent superpower. If a friend is dating a bi chick they will inevitably try and talk me into a threesome.
I'm considering having a threesome with my friend just so I can sleep with his boyfriend and not feel guilty about it.
I had to ask. I mean when you get a snap chat of a nipple you have to ask who's it is.
In the store looking for it now. They put the theatre/script section right next to the gay erotica section. Rude. Practical, but rude.
Bobbing for jello shots in a bucket of long island. Fast track to alcohol poisoning.
I'm taking a shower and i'm gonna bring my pocketknife with me
He fingerfucked me in the hot tub and then we had sex in the wine cellar. See thats why I like partying with rich people
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