I hate it when you make eye contact with someone bcs you are about to make fun of them and they take it as a hint to come hit on you.
He could list all of the presidents! Every one, and in order!! I was so impressed the least I could do was give him a blow job.
Ah, yes. Making our founding fathers proud.
I just found a receipt from ace where I bought 1 lrg plastic funnel, 2ft of 1" plastic tubing, and a 48" toboggan sled. Thank you cashier #552 for letting that poor life decision happen.
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
In the middle of fucking me, she said "Hold on, I need my Hulk hands."
I found my underwear on the sidewalk 8 blocks from her house while on my walk of shame. I also found our beer bag and a full beer in the bush.
why didn't you tell me his penis tasted like oreos?
It's like, "you literally have no idea who i am but i definitely slept with your brother in your bed."
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
I saved him in my phone as "Well-Hung Burrito Savior." I love Taco Tuesday.
just saw a kid get pissed on buy a tiger at the zoo. His dad is rofling and the kid is crying. I think I have to go make a new friend
Nothing but goodness could come from two friends getting naked. Think of all the good advice and other things we could give to each other.
As I was about to fuck him, he requested a moment of silence for Leonard Nimoy.
WHY DID YOU DRUNK DIAL MY MOM?!
Because mine was sitting on the bar stool next to me...
Did we just second hand smoke crack?
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