True but thats because hes a fetus.
I wish I could get plan B off e-bay so it would be a secret and cheap.
I'm sober in pajamas at a bar. Nothing is ok about that statement.
As one final fuck you to the courthouse i'm paying the rest of this ticket with sacajawea coins.
You could have chosen coming to fuck me over getting too hammered to drive. But you made your bed, and now you get to jack off alone in it.
This year i'm grateful for nothing other than the discovery that the uncircumcized rumors about him were wrong
I'm eating crumbled blue cheese out of Tubbaware. My life is nothing.
Im organizing a group to help fondle my shoe. Too many shots dude. Too many.
I'm calling into work tomorrow for day drinking and kitten shopping. Totally legitimate.
You're an asshole. I don't want your dick as my background. I'll look like I have a thumb fetish.
I think you'll be amused to know that I achieved the impossible feat of tripping over my own dick
We laughed, we cried, we fucked, we shirked our familial and work related responsibilities. They could make a movie about the last 40 hours of our lives.
I’ve cut back on drinking and now my body can’t fight off all the bad germs without the alcohol. That’s why I keep getting sick
I was puking for like ten minutes when I realized my parents were fucking in the shower and were afraid to come out
Just shaved my balls on a moving train. By far the most dangerous stunt I've ever pulled
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