She's holding my hand. I'm going to kill myself.
I just had a Brazilian done for this guy. He's getting first-date sex whether he wants it or not.
Ok, maybe I don't want to know what happened last night... But somehow I guess I moved the oven.
Someone asked me what I was drinking, I was drinking rum, but I was also eating starbursts so i told them "daiquiris"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
dude you had a hot girl interested and took shots together, as soon as it went down the hatch you upchucked on her entire existance..
successful birthday. 2012 rules
He just got dropped off drinking a flask, sitting on the handlebars of a chinese delivery man's bike
Tonight's gonna be epic. Did he bring my noodles?
Is it socially acceptable to stop at the strip club for the lunch buffet on my way to the airport?
My bad man. I was at a strip club, and apparently it's like a big deal to take your phone out in one of those places.
You were wearing a cookie monster onesie and telling everyone you were actually the sausage monster..
On the bright side I still got laid
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just fell in love with a beard, the guy it's attached to isn't great but I think I'm going to take one for the team
Operation rebound complete... I fucked the bouncer
Nobody wants to date "Eats Taco Bell Secretly In Her Car" Girl
We sexted for four hours straight. Is this really what my life has come to?
There's wine in the fridge here. You could leave school and we could get day drunk.
That's my favorite drunk.
Basically, I am an endless fountain of unconvential sexual experiences and knowledge.
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