I told my new friends about my possible new chin. They said I should get my nose done first. Please tell me I'm pretty or something.
In America we eat man semen.
Vanessa Carlton's songs would be so much better if she was pretty
Oh, and my friends believe you should reimburse me for the brazilian that was gone to waste.
ALSO, bringing a stapler to the bar is a good idea
This is what my life has come to. Like, I may or may not have just stolen pizza from the guy I just hooked up with's fridge when I left...
Just from watching vine I come to conclusion that all pornstars are dog hoarders.
I just wanna get hammered somewhere crazy. Meet some chicks. Bang them and then go scuba diving.
he was like captain planet, but less blue and more nakeed
He stumbled out of the bathroom with his pants around his ankles yelling "tie my shooes!"
Had a dream I went to Disney to visit you and then I got really drunk and puked all over these little kids in line
My fucking earlobe is bruised what the hell
His phone started ringing when we were pulled over and he said 'hold on, this is most likely more important than you', proceeded to answer it and agree to work sunday, then hung up, looked at the cop and told him to continue.
I drunkenly said, "That's my future father-in-law!" And everyone made an uncomfortable / disgusted face... including the aforementioined future father-in-law. Maybe I should start dating other people.
Did you poop on the roof?
WTH?
Is that a no?
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