And no, shaving doesn't make it look bigger, either
I wish they had nachos that got you drunk
Fuck positive energy. I choose drinking instead,
He kept buying me shots of tequila. I decided to just save myself the half hour of toilet hugging and tell him straight up that I intended on sleeping with him. We got Tacos on the way home with all the money we saved.
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
That boy has a whole ocean of crazy lying just beneath the surface waiting to rise up, he's like the tar sands of crazy
An don't say it's "personal preference" cause I don't buy it. I just want to have normal cool guy balls. I don't want to be the dude that's still rocking the equivalent of the "mid 90's bowl cut" of scrotum haircuts.
It was literally 8 o'clock in the morning. His horniness knows no bounds.
Judging by the ckaw marks on my back i'm gonna go out on a limb and say that blonde chick was a werewolf. A sexy, kinky werewolf.
In case you were wondering how drunk I was last night, there was an unopened slim Jim in front of my door and I ate it.
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
I am the fucking FIFTH wheel. How do you think it's going?
I'm batshit crazy. I don't know how you guys keep forgetting that
The only people who really get me are strippers and mascots for sports teams.
It's not even 7 yet. She's singing you are my sunshine to the smirnoff bottle.
Randomize
