i just got painted green i'm not about to leave for anything
I came over to his house for a party and realized I was quoted on the fridge... "How'd I get rug burn on my face?" And yes, my name was right next to it!
She punched my vomit. In midair. Back into my mouth.
You totally drew a penis wizard on my closet that says "I travel for cock rock"
Speaking of testosterone. I saw a girl with a moustache thicker than one I can grow last night...
U can find me on my couch hungover eatin tuna evaluating my life
Fuck you come back. The old guy next to me is complementing me on my great choice of ring fingers,
When did I go from having sugar daddies to being one? And does it count as a tax write off?
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
We got buck wild in our animal onesies last night. You kept ripping off your tail in angry rages.
There are condoms rolled onto each bunny ear of the ears I was wearing last night
He took my Spanx off and still fucked me twice. I call that success.
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
Fortunatly we found him, he was on my roof. Unfortunatly, we can't say the same for his pants. Still looking. BRB.
He has a penis. Therefore, he counts.
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