Haha na a cat just ran under your car. Howd that happen?
Probably a woman cat. Doesnt think things through
He fingered me while we both sang the fresh prince theme song.
Marry him
Some guy shouted fuck america during the national anthem, i decked him. They threw him out. USA USA USA!
normally i'm against accepting campers on facebook but this one saw me giving head to another counselor and didn't say shit about it to my boss so i feel like shes earned the right to look at my sloppy drunk pictures
Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
Just called the bar: "hi this is the girl who you kicked out for excessive bleeding, do you happen to have my coat?"
You can't be mad because the taco bell people like me and not you. I'm not the one that puked in front of them.
She refuses to believe she pulled down her pants and spanked her ass in front of us
I'm sure you can think of a way to make money.. God didn't give you boobs that awesome to waste them feeding your children..
Well, you've continued the theme of living with people who's dicks I've sucked.
I spent half an hour sculpting my pubes into a perfect triangle of really short hair, and the first thing he said when he saw it was "Don't you think you need a shave?"
I swear to fucking god if he takes away netflix I will have no problem sending his gf our sex videos
There is a special place in hell for people who only eat the center of the pot brownies.
I'm just waking up. I awoke in a towel (I must have showered at some point),i also found a half eaten McChicken in my bed and vomit in the toilet. Seems like I'm winning at life
I mean, I want you to have freaky orgasmic fun to entertain me, but I don’t want you to risk HIV or car crashes
Randomize
