I just did the scooter of shame. New levels of embarrassment have now opened.
I just made this asian woman on the boardwalk that was giving 20 dollar massages upset after I asked her if a happy ending comes with it.
So my retainer doesn't fit, so i'm getting drunk so i can put it back in. Alone.
You would...
those 9 inches of man changed my life forever.
I don't know what you drank last night but you really enjoyed the 4 egg body shots.
Is a wave an appropriate goodbye when your one night stand wakes up and walks out towards the door while you are looking through the garbage for the evidence of a condom?
I need to stop drunkenly getting naked. I'm losing all my favorite party clothes.
got one for peeing in public....called the cop a donut dunking communist...should be a fun court appearance
Also I owe you 20 bucks, a clean towel and a glass of scotch. I'll even throw in a blow job
If someone made a breakfast cereal that was a cross between lucky charms and fruity pebbles and called it unicorn power with a huge fucking rainbow and a unicorn standing in a pot of gold on the box, they would be rich. Not only monetarily but spiritually as well...
Do you think I'm short enough to dress up in a ghost costume and go trick or treating and have people believe that I'm actually a child?
this new dose of ADD meds is totally being waisted with the unemployed new graduate thing if only I could add my hyper focused side effects to a coverletter
Remember earlier when I was excited about finding that birth control pill in my purse? Definitely acid.
The sorting hat of life was not kind to you.....
There will be plenty of opportunity for me to sexualize Mike via VenMo.
Randomize
