they just started talking about wanting to bang stephanie tanner from full house
He’s a liberal pot smoker and perfect for me. He invented a game where we have to smoke a joint every time you hear a Middle Eastern accent on NPR.
I'm in a subway station watching a tranny do her makeup. This is like watching a unicorn giving birth.
The only word I understood in that whole setence was semen.
Nice. I ate a jello shot out of a bovine blow up doll's love hole last night
We thought she was passed out on the toilet, but she raised her head to tell me the word I couldn't remember was "empathize." Then she puked blood and passed out.
Oh my god what did I do. My hands are scraped, there are pickles on the floor, my clothes are wet, and I don't remember how I get here. Thank you.
Did you find any other hidden treasures in my room? Specifically weed? Or Slim Jims?
That's just a really flattering way of saying, "Yes, you're useless, but you have great tits."
I love being high. The owl outside stopped who-ing and I could swear I just heard someone say, "Okay, that's a wrap!"
trust me. coming from a bonafide dirtbag, this dude is up to shady shit
She asked the bartender for "7 shots of something fruity" and long story short the bartender punched me in the face. Chivalry is stupid.
Woke up with chlamydia and a bruised rib. I'd say my boss is gonna be mad about me not showing up to work, except you know.. it's her fault.
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
She could hold her breath for a long time. Best underwater blowjob ever.
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