People with herpes should wear stickers.
I'm missing my class because I'm not done with my beer
No, dude. Even Jesus hates Creed.
I can blatently call girls sluts here and they think i'm speaking norwegian
i'd say i'm about at weeping-uncontrollably-in-a-puddle-of-my-own-tears-and-urine level
ASS. GYMANSTICS. OLYMPICS. NOW!!!
My mom has had 5 shots of fireball today and she's still functioning normally... She's just extra polite.
I got myself off in the shower last night for the first time ever! I just looked like I was playing a game of twister.
My hangover headache is somewhere in the Harry Potter scar neighborhood. I can now empathize with that poor bastard.
Dude, do you think he'd be pissed if he found out that I always reference him as my starter husband?
She drunkenly texted me about Japanese mythology at four AM. I think I’m in love.
The amount of guys I've turned down for you is disgusting... You better love me.
I am listening to Jack Johnson and wearing the sweater your Mother made me fuck mother nature I am in my happy place right now
I am now gainfully employed. Parents, lock up your children.
Yay! Welcome to the world of "you're seriously trusting me with your kid?"
That's true. Ask me when I'm not fucked up. Nvm hold on. Btw. Wikipedia dinosaur. It's fascinating
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