Manager just farted into the intercom. Whole place heard it. A number of people stopped everything and looked at him. Best. Night. Ever.
i was just singing like a virgin out loud my mom told me to stop kidding myself
sorry we overslept. have a good day at work. p.s. thanks for making it feel like my vagina got hit by a train.
His sister just told me that she thinks i'm a stupid bitch and that by going thru with this I'm ruining his life.
sounds like a hell of a rehearsal dinner
i have my graded calc test (94%) sitting on my empty case of beer next to my desk. this is me winning at college.
he kept doing his monologue, "if a vagina could talk."
Girl passed out in class and vomited. Another victim of syllabus week
you said you would race him to taco bell but you slipped in the parking lot and just laid there, crying
I don't know how I'm going to know it's her, I only know what she looks like with a wig on
SHE COULD ALREADY BE HERE AND I WOULDN'T EVEN KNOW
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
Honestly at least you're not debating on whether or not you need to take plan b. But I can't because I spent all my money on pizza.
I just ordered a five person drink for myself.... Right about now you should start saving me from myself....
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
I'll text you when I have a mental breakdown about it.
Please do.
This is my life. Currently ordering a gift for my straight married girlfriend's husband from my lesbian married girlfriend.
Randomize
