our cab driver is having phone sex.
she texted him the burrito order while she was puking in the Del Taco parking lot...
She paints her nails the color of the sheets of the last guy she slept with
Won't anyone wonder why I'm mute, bald, and wearing an eye patch?
She's currently upstairs fucking her boyfriend while I am downstairs making them a sex playlist watching her boyfriend's Weiner dog and large Boxer try and mount each other. Marvin Gaye is playing. This is the ultimate third wheel fail.
Apparently he crashed because 3 different girls were trying to give him road head at the same time.
I think I'm going to contact pbr and see if they'll sponsor our dreams
She was trying to drink out of the beer bong and she thought it didn't work. Little did she know there was no beer in there. Then she got mad at us. Girls.
I'm keeping track of how many times I've said "Shhh, act like you're not naked." in my life. So far, 3 times.
Specially since he wanted to forget that we even touched, which makes it funnier because I don't think you can take back licking someone's butthole...
I accidentally sent a snap of my puss with the Republican filter... Totally killed his boner
I'm on the fast track to lesbian land
The Olympian is in my bed
I just did a bump with my mom so I’d sober up for Black Friday shopping
he's annoying when i'm sober but vaguely hot when i'm drunk so yes i do have a preference and it goes by the name of vodka
Randomize
