I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
He just did blow off my nipples. He's not serious about his girlfriend.
I think i blacked out...but i remember licking your teeth
After blacking out and loosing my phone for a month, I found it in the parking lot across the street. Last text "rager in the street". I remember none of this.
There is a literally infinite number of spliffs going around this table.
Delicious
I feel like I'm at a sushi bar with a spliff belt.
That accounts for only three of the penises
I'm imagining a seal in an ugly shirt hahahahaha Percocet
I still can't get over the fact that he thinks I have my life together... That has to be one of the nicest yet most sadly misled things anyone has ever said about me
He tried to tell me that that stripper was his aunt..
They put me in room 420 every time and I take bubble baths and smoke in the room and they bring food TO MY BED
Never in my life have I been so excited to nap as I am right now.
will you help me invent vagina-safe pop rocks?
You waddled all the way home with your shoes in a construction cone. I'm glad to call you my Bestfriend.
Oral sex and brunch. The perfect sunday morning.
Randomize
