Dude ! Why is there vomit with whole pieces of sushi in the shower when the toilet is not more than 2 feet away ? btw you need to chew your food better,
Dont you think its a little early in the relationship for sexting?
This is much more drunk than i was intending for a wednesday
I wish the ER had shaved that part of my head. It would be easier to show people my staples at the bar.
door buzzer is fixed. took shots with Latvian electrician to celebrate. nice guy. he is gonna bring mixers next time cuz kombucha didn't really cut it for him.
You said you'd make me a thank you card for taking care of your drunk ass. I'll be expecting that monday.
He kept humping my leg and whispering "dont worry, thats my phone not my penis"
Oh shit. The hangover. It has taken 20 mins and 5 attempts to tie my shoelaces
I don't care how sexy you think I look in my scrubs. Wanting a blow job is not a medical emergency.
Im just using you for your dick and your superb survival skills if needed.
There's a woman at the bar holding a baby with one arm and doing shots of GM with the other. The baby is crying. I have lost faith in humanity.
I wish I could have a tequila IV with me all the time. Intravenous tequila intoxication.
The lowest point of my life has been reached. I just drank half a jar of pasta sauce.
I met a guy last night who bought me a book on Amazon at the bar and then we had sex. Boners for books is a thing. Boom.
How are you and the lady friend?
Well, she's a lunatic, and I love sex, so we're good.
Randomize
