In a bar in glasgow talking to a 12 year old about life. Welcome to Kentucky.
I am at 2.05 miles in under 11 minutes. So either this thing is broke or I should always work out wasted.
All he wants to do is masturbate while I sit there with my big toe up his ass that is not even the worst part of it.
You just met him on Thursday, and you've already nicknamed him Golden Penis?
you think that next time i come over to do this you can pick up the condom wrappers you used on the other girls
As shirtless as possible
Me and him were fist fighting in the back of the cab and I offered the driver a 100% tip to call him an asshole. I don't know why.
This hangover is so bad, we are pregaming Chinese food with pizza.
Trevor is horny so he just called me to tell me all the things that he would like to do with his future wife. That's a new one.
I either have a razor blade lodged in my throat or I've been drinking entirely too much Evan Williams.
I just text my one night stand Happy Easter on her way home...now would be a good time for the lord to smite me.
I just got high and swiffered the bathroom floor....2 for 2 on brilliant life ideas
Just went to court for a citation. Guess who my DA was? That girl I ATM'd last weekend. No ticket for me!
dad is drunk and texting us pictures of bread
Double dirt bag award winner tonight. He picked me up in his wife's car.
Randomize
