I can only name 15 people I've had sex with - can I just start claiming that as my sex number?
apparently 9 shots of absynthe does not take away your skill to walk. i just woke up under a tree in some field on the other side of town with 4 hours missing.
The only way I could get him to agree to hook up with her is telling him I'd hook up with him next week.
I feel like the other woman.
You ARE the other woman.
hey, you wanna get together over coffee or something?
is this code for 'i just got broke up with and i need a sympathy dicking'?
how did you know?
she genuinely believed that kangaroos are a cross between a deer and a T-rex
I told him finishing at the same time would be a long-term project. Like flipping a house. A sexual house.
Before I go in, is 'I just got a root canal 2 hours ago' a good excuse to show up drunk to yoga class with a 6 pack? Because if not I think I need to go home.
The quality of my porn watching experience has significantly declined. Thanks shattered iphone screen
Literally told everyone you're my idol cause you ate a chicken nugget off a sword
He may be 6' 6" but I'm 180 lbs of pure rage and determination
I cuddled with a man named Pickles
I was floored. Like way less concerned with him using drugs than I am with him not believing in evolution.
I think my liver has finally had enough and is going all Ashley-Judd-in-a-Lifetime-movie on me.
I JUST HAD TO SNORT THE REST OF MY BAG OF COKE BECAUSE THE BAG RIPPED IN THE WORK BATHROOM.
I'm guessing you feel amazing due to all the caps?
LETS GET THIS SHIT DONE. IM GONNA GET THIS SHIT DONE, FOREVER.
Randomize
