I'm jealous of your bromance
When do i get to see u next week?
When I teabag your entire family
My grandpa just complimented my boobs. Im taking this as a compliment but also brushing it off as alcoholism on his part.
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
I'm just concerned it's gonna end up in my vagina again
Sitting in the library studying = googling how to get laid in the library.
oh sorry. I thought "boat" was code for "penis"
I'm drunk from drinking bourbon out of a "cupcake sippy cup" at the Denny's bar. What the fuck happened to the goals I had?
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
Stay away a while longer.
Still not sure if they're cops or strippers.
We're currently sharing pics of our cats. I can't wait to sit on her face.
Buying a new bed right now. My options are limited because I need to be able to be tied to it.
Now i know i wasnt that drunk... So why are there texts of me volunteering for a nude photo shoot for an art major student?
there is glitter all over my balls
I'm really stressed out right now.
I think you're confusing "stressed" and "sober".
Randomize
