I love hooters. This dumb bartender is saying how coffee dehydrates you so that's why she sometimes just eats the coffee grinds wake up.
I feel like I spend my weeks apologizing for my weekends.
To be honest I don't know what's worse, the fact that I interupted their shower sex or the fact that I was so drunk I used the adjoining stall anyway
It feels wrong to have dick mouth at a family dinner.
not to be a dick but do you remember the names of all your friends i made out with after we broke up?
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
let's see, i ended up walking for an hour towards a macdonalds that didnt exist, sprinted full tilt into a powerline, and left a 30 dollar tip to a waitress at dennys we made friends with. I REGRET NOTHING
Come to wine Wednesday bro. We have a fog machine
he busted into the room with single cheese slices and started yelling "THROW SOME CHEESE ON THAT BITCH"
We're all just looking at each other quietly, hoping that no one brings up last nights shenanigans.
But it's ok cause then I turned my tequila blanket into a tequila comforter and I felt no pain
Summer bikini season begins today. I hereby declare the commencement of the 2013 HUNT FOR CUNT.
I feel like I have a very capable uterus.
I think I'm in the negatives for the quantity of fucks given today.
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
Randomize
