The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
The best thing happened. Some guy was butchering Conway Twitty at karoke and the power went off in the whole bar. And someone shouted "you pissed jesus off when you messed with conway!"
I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
But it's not about our feelings, it's about making the men we sleep with feel awful about their lives
Just think. Tomorrow you'll wake up, shower, and get your brains fucked out. That's your ice cream. Today is your peas and carrots.
So, your mugshot picture is behind the counter at B-Dubs, with the caption: "not allowed on premesis."
One of those nights had to have been when we tried to walk through the McDonald's drive through -- and then got in the car with complete strangers. And stole their hamburgers.
The fun I thought I would be having now when I was six is vastly different from what I am currently doing. Hurraaay sex and vicodin.
I hope. Last year I got lost in New Orleans and some guy named Cookie walked me home while I cried.
This band has the most fuckable violin player I have ever seen.
I WAS SURROUNDED BY HAIRY BALLS ALL ALONE.
I did a trust fall off the bar and then almost got into a knife fight over a push up competition. Just another Tuesday.
On a scale of 1 to shit show you were "i just pissed myself"
BRIAN AND ANTHONY SPOON FED MY BROTHER MACARONI AND CHEESE WHILE HE WAS FUCKING ZARA. THEY WENT TO HIGHFIVE HIM AND ZARA WAS LIKE "WOO!" AND HIGHFIVED THEM FIRST
i feel like the girl with kaleidoscope eyes except the kaleidoscopes are sparkly butt plugs
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